It?s titled ?Life is Pichey.? So it?s a given I write about my life, right?
OK. Here we go.
The last week and some odd days have been some of the worse days of my life. But you couldn?t tell that by looking at me. I tend to hide my emotions pretty well.
Matter of fact, I hid them pretty well from people at school as none of my friends knew that I struggled with Depression and was hospitalized my Senior Year. But?.that?s a whole ?nother post.
As long as I stay distracted and keep moving (mentally and physically)?.I?m OK. But, when I give myself one moment to think about it then I turn numb. I shut down. The outside world becomes completely non-existent.
Last week I experienced something I wouldn?t wish on my worse enemy. Last week I had a miscarriage.
It is one of the worse things that have ever happened to me. I immediately knew when I was pregnant as me and my husband were trying to have another one (I always use to laugh and make fun of people who said they were ?trying? but now I totally get it.) so this time I made sure I was keeping up with everything and knew when I was ovulating and the best time to conceive, etc, etc, etc.
I say ?this time? because I have mentioned before I have a 2 year old son and while I was in the midst of planning my wedding, I found out I was pregnant. When we went to the first appointment and I got an ultrasound, I was 18 weeks pregnant!! I completely passed by my first trimester! How did I not notice? Well, I was getting married, training for a 10k and lost 12 pounds in about month which can equal to a woman?s cycle going all wonky! Even the tech who did my ultrasound said I was so tiny! Um?any other time, I would have taken that as a compliment but I was convinced I had damaged our baby. He?s not damaged?well physically he isn?t. Totally joking. He?s PERFECTLY fine.
Anyways, back to the story. One morning I felt that something wasn?t right. WARNING: I am going to give some TMI (as if I haven?t given enough by this point). I went to the bathroom, wiped, and saw blood.
Being the research-freak that I am, I pulled out my iPhone (didn?t have the patience to wait for my laptop to start) and started Googling ?1st trimester bleeding? ?Miscarriage symptoms in 1st Trimester.? ?Normal to bleed during 1st trimester? ?Bleeding at 6 weeks?
I got a lot of mixed information. Some sites said it was normal as long as the discharge was a light pink/brown and not red.
Mine was red.
But I still held out hope. I still hoped that everything was ok. That morning I went and got a pregnancy test (two in a pack). I took one as soon as I got to work. The positive line was very faint. But still, it was a positive. I took the other one later around lunch, I think, and the results were the same. Still not satisfied, I went and bought another one. I got the digital one this time. I didn?t want any BS or guessing. I went home, took the test and the words ?PREGNANT? flashed across the screen! I was ecstatic. Maybe things were OK.
But, the bleeding never stopped.
Usually I go to the bathroom more times a day than I have fingers and toes to count (so it seems) because I try to drink at least 100 ounces of water each day and the fluids run right through me. I have never in my life been so nervous, anxious, stressed, sad, and angry about having to use the bathroom. I didn?t like having to anticipate what I was going to see.
It was a Tuesday night when I took the digital test. I didn?t take the 2nd one. My husband and I both decided I should wait a few days before I took the 2nd test. Wednesday, I decided to call my doctor and make an appointment. I needed a peace of mind. The appointment wasn?t until Friday. Longest two days of my life. It didn?t help that I took the second test Thursday morning and it flashed ?NOT PREGNANT.?
Friday comes and I was told the obvious? I had suffered a chemical pregnancy (term used for an early miscarriage).
I shut down. I put my phone on silent (usually it?s on vibrate) and I checked out. I didn?t and couldn?t deal with anything or anyone. My weekend consisted of me lying in the bed eating pizza and watching Netflix. I just had to keep myself distracted. I couldn?t believe that one week ago I was celebrating the fact that I was brining another life into the world and that it was taken away from me so quickly.
I still can?t believe it. I don?t mind telling people what happened but the problem is when I get a moment to myself and let my mind drift. It reminds me of when my grandfather died. When I found out, I didn?t cry. I was telling people at school and no one believed me because I wasn?t in tears. I was being the same old ?me.? But when I saw him lying in coffin, I lost it.
So, I have told my friends and family and fortunately I haven?t had to deal with stupidity. I did a lot of reading on how women have dealt with it and things their friends and family said it is awful: ?It wasn?t meant to be? ?Everything happens for a reason? ?It was in God?s Plan? ?Well, maybe it?s a good thing because your child may have been retarded? ?That sucks! I really wanted to be a grandmother.?
So?.what?s next?? I guess trying again. Trying not to stress. Hope everything goes better next time. I mean, how the hell am I suppose to know what to do??. I know I am not the first person this has happened to and unfortunately I won?t be the last??..
For now I can just cope with it by keeping myself busy and distracted???..