Why Wear Makeup When I?m Just Going to Cry it Off?
This is a post I?ve been meaning to write for a couple of weeks but I have been too (mentally) exhausted to write it. I was finishing up an event that I was working on, crafting items for my son?s birthday, raising my son, being a wife, daughter, etc??
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Image via We Heart It. |
On top of everything going on in my life, I got into a huge slump of Depression. I have mentioned it on the blog before that I struggle with Depression. I?ve had it for as long as I remember. Sometimes I can cope with it and other times I can?t. A couple of weeks ago, I couldn?t handle it. The crying wouldn?t stop, suicidal thoughts danced in my head and I decided that I couldn?t let myself go deeper into the black hole??and I was deep. I decided it was time to get help. MOST AWKWARD/UNCOMFORTABLE PHONE CALL EVER!. The person I spoke to on the phone was very understanding. I could have talked to her all day.She probably would have let me. The answers I gave her??.ugh. “Yes, I?ve had suicidal thoughts.? ?Yes, I?ve attempted it about 5 years ago.? ?I feel hopeless, exhausted, crying all the time.? Very draining but a needed phone call. We found a psychologist that was ?in-network (insurance talk)? and they were available to see me the next day. I can?t remember the rest of that day. It?s all a blur to me. I remember taking my son to my mom?s so I wouldn?t have to worry about taking him the next day and I was just so damn tired!
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Image via Pinterest |
The next day?.kind of makes me laugh in a way that?s not really funny. My appointment was at 11 and I woke up around 8 that morning exhausted and crying.I cried while getting dress (what does one wear to see a psychologist?), while putting on makeup (Hold the mascara and eyeliner!), on the way to the place (I wrote the address down wrong and ended up at the wrong place. I started crying even more because I thought I was going to be late and they wouldn?t be able to see me. Or I would be scolded and told if I want to make this work then I need to learn to be on time. None of that happened, they were very understanding).Through all this crying, I stopped and started laughing at myself thinking, ?Who cries ON THE WAY to seek help? Shouldn?t I wait for the session?!?
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I won?t go into too much details of my first and second visits but I will say they are what I needed. I look forward to being able to be completely honest and open with someone. Being understood and not told to ?Get over it.? After my first session I went home and slept the rest of the day. The next day was Saturday and I stayed in bed until 11 or 12 (VERY unusual for me.).
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Image via Pinterest
One thing recommended was having more “me time.” Lately I have been giving and giving and haven’t been receiving much. Especially with raising a child. I am not blaming my son, he is 3. He is suppose to be needy. He doesn’t understand a “give-take relationship” yet. I love to read, knit and get crafty but I haven’t felt motivated to do anything. Maybe I can make blogging my “daily thing.” I like to blog but it isn’t a priority for me. Not when I have other things going on. Who knows. I can’t make any promises. I’m still working on getting out of this rut.
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2 Comments
Girl in Carolina
I'm so proud of you for writing this post! You never know who will read it and feel exactly the way you've been feeling. And good for you for making that phone call! I hope that the sessions continue to help and you get back to feeling like you again!! xo
Shanika Pichey
Thanks, girl!! It's one of the reasons I wrote it. You just never know who may stumble upon it.