This is a post I?ve been meaning to write for a couple of weeks but I have been too (mentally) exhausted to write it. I was finishing up an event that I was working on, crafting items for my son?s birthday, raising my son, being a wife, daughter, etc??
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On top of everything going on in my life, I got into a huge slump of Depression. I have mentioned it on the blog before that I struggle with Depression. I?ve had it for as long as I remember. Sometimes I can cope with it and other times I can?t. A couple of weeks ago, I couldn?t handle it. The crying wouldn?t stop, suicidal thoughts danced in my head and I decided that I couldn?t let myself go deeper into the black hole??and I was deep. I decided it was time to get help. MOST AWKWARD/UNCOMFORTABLE PHONE CALL EVER!. The person I spoke to on the phone was very understanding. I could have talked to her all day.She probably would have let me. The answers I gave her??.ugh. “Yes, I?ve had suicidal thoughts.? ?Yes, I?ve attempted it about 5 years ago.? ?I feel hopeless, exhausted, crying all the time.? Very draining but a needed phone call. We found a psychologist that was ?in-network (insurance talk)? and they were available to see me the next day. I can?t remember the rest of that day. It?s all a blur to me. I remember taking my son to my mom?s so I wouldn?t have to worry about taking him the next day and I was just so damn tired!
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The next day?.kind of makes me laugh in a way that?s not really funny. My appointment was at 11 and I woke up around 8 that morning exhausted and crying.I cried while getting dress (what does one wear to see a psychologist?), while putting on makeup (Hold the mascara and eyeliner!), on the way to the place (I wrote the address down wrong and ended up at the wrong place. I started crying even more because I thought I was going to be late and they wouldn?t be able to see me. Or I would be scolded and told if I want to make this work then I need to learn to be on time. None of that happened, they were very understanding).Through all this crying, I stopped and started laughing at myself thinking, ?Who cries ON THE WAY to seek help? Shouldn?t I wait for the session?!?
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I won?t go into too much details of my first and second visits but I will say they are what I needed. I look forward to being able to be completely honest and open with someone. Being understood and not told to ?Get over it.? After my first session I went home and slept the rest of the day. The next day was Saturday and I stayed in bed until 11 or 12 (VERY unusual for me.).
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One thing recommended was having more “me time.” Lately I have been giving and giving and haven’t been receiving much. Especially with raising a child. I am not blaming my son, he is 3. He is suppose to be needy. He doesn’t understand a “give-take relationship” yet. I love to read, knit and get crafty but I haven’t felt motivated to do anything. Maybe I can make blogging my “daily thing.” I like to blog but it isn’t a priority for me. Not when I have other things going on. Who knows. I can’t make any promises. I’m still working on getting out of this rut.