I’ve written on this blog about how I struggle with Depression. Lately I’ve been happy. Genuinely happy. But it is hard work. Every day, hour, and minute is a struggle for me to chose to be happy. Everyone struggles and have their bouts of feeling blue. But if you struggle with Depression the “blues” are taken to a whole new level. Any thoughts, comments, words, or moment in time can hit you. Hard. Next thing you know you are thinking of another negative moment in life which leads to you thinking how you should have done things differently which leads to you feeling worthless, wanting to lay in bed doing nothing, contemplating whether you should get in your car and drive off a cliff.
Words spoken do hit me harder than it should but I don’t expect people to be delicate with me. Even I have my bitchy side. I’ve just learned to not let certain things effect me.
Back to the point. Being happy is hard work. I really had to check myself the other day. I remember I was in the shower and thought to myself, “One day next week I need to take some time to be depressed.” As soon as I thought it I knew it wasn’t right. I thought “Who chooses to take a day to do nothing but lay around being sad and crying?!”
It sounds crazy (and it is) but this is how depression works with some people. This is why it is so tiring. My mind is mentally exhausting and I feel once the mind is tired the whole body follows. But I am determined to not let it(the depression) get the best of me.
Two Thursdays ago, I was ready to lose my mind. My husband had planned on going out to watch the game and with the way my day was going I knew the night wasn’t going to be much better. Both of the boys were fussy, Sage wouldn’t stop crying and just wanted to be held. I don’t mind holding him but when it hinders me from getting things done I get frustrated. Finally, a miracle happened and both boys were asleep. By this time I was feeling defeated and hated the world. I knew my husband would be coming home soon (with some food for me…silver lining!) so I wanted to change my sourpuss attitude.
Thankfully I did. He came home, bright food for both of us and at 10:00 we had ourselves a nice mini date with good conversation.
If I hadn’t changed my attitude and greeter him poorly things would have went differently. His night would have ended badly which would have sucked especially since he was on a high from Carolina BARELY winning their game.
I’m a work in progress and there will be days when I fail but at least I’m trying.