My Life

Self-Love…it’s not easy.

Today is Valentine’s Day and it doesn’t mean much to me anymore (except the 1/2 off candy I’ll be getting at CVS tomorrow – oink!) but I had some thoughts dancing around in my head and since I’m trying to write more, here ya go! I’m pretty sure the last time I enjoyed Valentine’s Day was during elementary school. You buy cards which had your favorite characters on them, attach a lollipop, close the card with the heart stickers that came in the package, and then you’d spend the rest of the afternoon passing out cards and enjoying cookies, cupcakes and other snacks your classmates brought in that morning (remember when you could bring home-baked goods into the classroom and no one would bat an eye?). Also, having a child that’s still in elementary school, I still think Valentine’s Day is for the kiddos. There is nothing sweeter than seeing little ones walking class with their cards and gifts wishing everyone they pass “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

Once you get into middle and high school and you start to become more self-aware of…everything. Bodies are changing, hormones are out of control and you start to care more about what others think about you; especially the people you find attractive. And while I had people I considered friends, I was never in the friend group where I would get gifts from others.  I can only recall one time when a friend got me be a balloon and some candy and wrote a really sweet note. Even then I was taken aback because I didn’t think we were that cool (I now realize I kept my guard up a lot due to my insecurities).

As I got older, I started to realize Valentine’s Day was bullshit (well, that’s what I told the outside world while still hoping someone I liked would get something for me. One year someone did, it was a painting they made but he was an asshole and gave it back to him – mainly to be petty. I used to regret giving it back but now, meh). I started doing Galentine’s before the word was invented (to this day, one of my best Valentine’s Day was going to see Hitch(I love sappy, cheesy, romantic comedies) with a friend and we gave each other gifts.) and once I had a boyfriend and eventually got married…if you’ve been reading here for a while, you know my perspective on everything changed.

Now I’m at a point where V-Day is just another day. I usually do something cutesy for my sons but that’s about it. I know there are people who are hugely into it and that’s ok, everyone has their thing. It is pretty sweet seeing someone picking up stuffed animals, balloons, and flowers (not my particular taste but it’s not about me).

Today in restorative yoga, the instructor mentioned how we can’t love anyone until we love ourselves. Easier said than done. This year, even though it has just begun, has been rough. And partly because I have made it rough. The thoughts and words I have spoken to myself have not been the kindest. My friend recently did a dowsing session on me and my spirits informed me that I need to work on some blockage and stop the negative talk. I’m working on getting back on my routine: blogging, journaling, pulling a tarot, yoga daily, and nourishing my body (properly).

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Rumi

Living in Columbia, South Carolina and using this blog as my space to share a little insight into my life in what I'm making on the sewing machine, knitting needles, crochet hooks, in the kitchen, and elsewhere.

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