Birthday Anxiety
I’ll start off by saying my birthday dread has absolutely nothing do with aging. I’ll be 38. The rare time(s) someone does ask my age I usually roll my eyes upwards while I think of my age and I’m sure they probably think I’m making it up but the truth is I really don’t think about the number. I never understood why women had to be ashamed of their age and the universal rule of “Never ask a woman their age.” Maybe it’s because of the phrase “You/I look good for your/my age.” Another post for another time.
My dread is about the recognition. In my early 20’s I was all about the birthday experience. One day wasn’t enough, I wanted a week. If I played it right, ahem, bothered friends enough, I could make it last almost a month. I loved the attention. My friend and I still joke about my somewhat bratty ways and usually reference one of the spoiled kids from “My Super Sweet 16” who said “No gift, no party.”
I wasn’t that bad (I don’t think…losing memory with the old age); but, I still lived for my birthday. When you get in a relationship you have certain expectations about how you want special occasions, i.e., birthdays to play out.
I don’t want to get too deep into how I started to resent my birthday (well, my life in general). If you know part of my story, you have an inkling. But if not, I’ll give you the quick version: being with the wrong person who makes you feel bad about every damn thing, will make you not want to celebrate anything.
After a few years, I didn’t want to acknowledge the day. Most of the time I would take the day off, ask my mom to watch my sons, and I would head back to bed for a Twilight Movie Marathon. Once Edward, Bella, and Reneesme were living their happy lives, I knew the day was almost over; another birthday now.
Post-divorce, I still struggle with the day. I’m working on embracing it. More importantly, accepting well wishes from friends and family with good intentions.
Shanika
Living in Columbia, South Carolina and using this blog as my space to share a little insight into my life in what I'm making on the sewing machine, knitting needles, crochet hooks, in the kitchen, and elsewhere.
